Why men need a coach


Published: 1 Jun 2020

Man Coaching

I’ve been coaching men, or the couples they are in for almost 10 years now. The story is familiar. People want to be right, instead of getting it sorted. They want to control, instead of set free. They weary of the fight, the pernicious bickering, and either leave, or seek solace in someone kinder. Kindness matters to men. Consideration matters to men. They like to feel considered.

They try to fight, to struggle to their feet, but once hope is lost, they instead turn their attention to work – the identity they understand, and have been taught and role modeled well……or not! Either way seems to work for men.

Often, when the battle is lost, the real war begins. Much is sacrificed. Land, gold, kinsmen. Families are split. Ancestry divided – to be picked up again and discovered by a future curious descendant 100 years from now.

The children of those in the battle, add abandonment, guilt, and anxiety to their baggage that travels with them through life – with a label marked “pre-conditions’ – either on a gaudy sticker in full view, or a hidden (much more discreet) tag they keep tucked in. Some, the resilient few, it will make them stronger, more willful, and greatly successful in life. Others will carry the burden life long, inflicting their pain on others as they go……and so it continues – the ‘gift’ that doesn’t stop giving.

So, how does this familiar story become a rarity for men?

  • You don’t lose yourself along the way. The hopes and dreams of the young man you once were stay relevant, and in your daily life.
  • You devote time where you feel it is spent wisely, knowing that one day it will run out, you will be no more, and we never know when that day will come.
  • You fully comprehend that no amount of money you make will ever make up for the things you lost because of it – love, family, respect.
  • You know to stay fully present, in the moment unfolding right before you, right now. That is how you determine where and how your time is spent, and with whom.
  • You are not passive, nor an avoider.  You focus on living an authentic life where you see it, and say it. You question with compassion instead of leaving things. These unsaid ‘things’, you are fully aware, become injurious over time.
  • You are not afraid to express your love. Because you realised long ago – either by dejected reality, or inheritance, that an unexpressed love for someone is only a shadow relationship – a half-life.
  • You stay sharp in the everyday workings of your love relationship. You are clever and astute enough to understand what many do not. That the rewards of this ongoing ‘committedness’ prevents a far greater hurt later on, when years are chewed through and spat out, families are split, and wars are waged.
  • You ask for, and look for help when you need it, knowing this does not make you weak – quite the opposite – it shows strength of character.
  • You stay open to challenge, and take feedback in the spirit it has been given, weighing carefully whether to, and how you receive it. Your ego does not control you, you master it with ease and fortitude.
  • You keep the counsel of trusted men in your life. Men need men. Men’s thought and words. Give this up freely, or through mistaken belief that you ought to, and you will always feel this lack in the space it once was.
  • You deal with things – knowing that sooner is better than later in most things that hurt or wound.

Bottom line? You can live someone else’s life, an illusion, a reality forced upon you or expected. Your one life. You can please others and remain disappointed and frustrated. Or you can do yourself the greatest service and step into who you really are and want to be.

A great coach will not judge, or make assumptions about you. They will also not offer advice. The difference between counselling (past oriented) and coaching (future facing) is significant.

A great coach will instead, help you to explore – asking the right questions, and leading you to identify what is next for you. They will also keep you accountable, and help you to feel fulfilled and inspired with your life.

A great coach will explain to you that you don’t need to fix everything yourself, that you are allowed to express your feelings if you feel pushed out or under-valued.

They will help you reference influences or influencers from your past, without it holding you back from your future. They will enable you to machinate against the unholy trinity – shame, guilt, and worth. Stop procrastinating, whilst reviewing and reflecting before making decisions. Regain confidence, cope with change, and comes to terms with new realities. They will help you become unstuck in areas of your life that you acknowledge you need movement.

You exist as an individual who deserves, and can expect as your birth right to live an exhilarating, and joyful life.

Don’t settle. Ever.