The business world goes through periodic changes. We’ve been through the ‘toxic’ workplace era. We are now in the age of workplace well-being. In other words – the focus has shifted from the few to the many. Less focus on the few toxic people that upset a workplace, and more focus on the many who are dealing with workplace injustice, bullying, massive ego’s and passive aggressive behaviour.
What this means for the few is that unless they change, their time is limited in businesses that are ‘getting with the programme’. What this means for the many is that with great management of people, they should begin to see more fairness, tolerance, compassion, and justice. Great management of people will hinge around compassionate assertiveness. These compassionately assertive managers of people know what needs to be said to re-address the balance, but do it in such a way that it is never at the expense of anyone’s dignity.
Whatever universal energy force or God you believe in, we are all in this together – a collective consciousness. We thrive, or merely survive on the balance of humane actions, words, and intentions. One person can make a difference. It may only be a drop, but that drop affects the collective consciousness.
There is much debate currently about whether as a society we are less compassionate.
These are the things I’ve found to be true as a result of working with hundreds of businesses.
And, let’s not forget the 3%ers, the 360,000 (and counting) of people in NZ who have a genuine personality disorder such as narcissism, they are rarely fixed, so knowing how to deal with them will save you in every sense – mind, body, and soul.
Humanity, if you looked up the definition would say something like: the quality of being humane, showing compassion, consideration, understanding, tolerance, magnanimity, benevolence.
We live in a society that sees any nano-second waiting at traffic lights, in a queue, or in an airport as unproductive and annoying……but that is a choice. You can train yourself to be more patient, to embrace the downtime, and by default your communication will always be different.
Humane communication has three finite laws as I see it:
LAW #1 You reap what you sow in communication
Look to YOURSELF first – you are really the only person you can influence fully.
You create your own reality with every thought and action in communication
Have you ever thought that you might be someone else’s burden? If you can own anger and passive aggressive behaviour as part of your communication then this could be true for you. Most bad communication habits are patterns. They arrive through pre-conditioning from your childhood and role models, from your current environment (to thrive and survive) and from individual people.
Anger creates victims – even if that is you in the guilt, shame, or remorse you feel afterwards. Anger can take up to an hour physiologically to disperse in your body. It also literally changes the lines on your face over time.
Passive Aggressive behaviour is completely unproductive, as the person who really needs to hear never gets to, and others have to listen to you whinge or gossip.
Think about what your everyday language and body language is like? What do you create? If you stay in the light and out of the dark your communication would follow suit, so would your body language.
Examples of light? Being patient, considerate, seeing both sides, not running on A.P.E© (assumption, perception, ego).
Examples of dark? Negative Nellie, gossip, impatience, inconsiderate behaviour. Throwing people under the bus, not being accountable or responsible for your actions.
Assumption = you not bothering to find out the facts or reality of a situation.
Perception? Everyone’s will likely be different to yours. And they are entitled to their perception. Understand that your reality, philosophy, or beliefs may not be someone else’s.
EGO is trying to control everything in your life. How you react, respond, what you say and do, how you feel, how you perceive others feel. When you work on your ego, you will resort to anger, resentment, fear, and contempt less often and eventually never. You will be more patient, more gracious. Your ego is merely a shortcut to actually taking the time to find out, listen, and not run on assumptions and mis-perceptions. Your ego can only feel wounded if you let it. Choose humanity. Choose Love. Look for the win-win.
Are you guilty of Twiddly bits? These are all of the unnecessary or extra bits that detract, make worse, change the context, and could be in person, email, or phone/text. Know when to stop. Keep things short and simple.
Do you use negative language? Words like: – always, still, never, again, obviously, clearly….
LAW #2 – Keep the PINGs under control! With compassionate assertiveness.
Elemental Potential created the world’s first practical model for compassionate assertiveness in 2012 – Compassionate assertiveness in action.™ It was designed to make people accountable for undesirable behaviour, let them know how you feel, give a consequence if needed and give people choices about whether they should let it go or not.
Compassionately assertive people look for the win-win. If they see it, they say it. They operate low and slow. They seek first to understand and then to be understood. They genuinely believe that they are helping people to be better communicators and more compassionate people.
To understand compassionate assertiveness, you first need to understand the emotional ping, or ‘Pings’. Pings are emotional triggers that affect you, and your response. Start to notice when you are pinged in every day interactions, and what response you have to it. Do you deal with it there and then (at ground zero/point of impact) or do you leave it for later? When you leave it for later it often works out differently to doing see it, say it, when you first feel the ping. If you operate from a space of “see it, say it’© your life is much easier and there are less ripple effects.
What happens when you are pinged?
Your communication skills decline? What’s your ‘go to’? Verbal abusive? Loud, angry, and opinionated? Nagging? Whingey? You get dismissive, regress, alienate people.
How does compassionate assertiveness work?
It keeps the PINGs under control! It makes people accountable, more aware of their behaviour on others, and re-programmes it.
LAW #3 DON’T FEED THE KITTEN!
Whatever you invite in you accept. Whatever you accept becomes the new normal. Whatever becomes the new normal you have to live with! Ask yourself what you are living with that you don’t like in your communication? When did it start? Who started it?
The good news? Communication starts and ends with you.
The bad news? Communication starts and ends with you!
Choose your thoughts and actions wisely. You are a creator! You reap what you sow in communication. It really is that simple. You show other people by your actions what you will accept, and what you think acceptable communication is.