What is compassionate assertiveness?


Published: 22 Feb 2018

2018 Compassionate Assertiveness
Compassionate Assertiveness in Action ©2011

I want you to Step up, Buy in, and crave what’s coming next!

I want to give you the courage to deal with things you have been avoiding, putting off or disengaging with.

Compassionate assertiveness works! It is the key to EVERYTHING!

It changes behaviour.

It changes mind-set.

It creates possibilities.

It brings results and solutions.

What if communication were easy?

Your whole life you’ve been taught about the answers:

Find the answer.

Have the answer.

Be the answer.

If we are about the answer then we are right? We are intelligent? Responsible? Credible?

But often the answer – especially when uninvited, stems from a place of moralisation, judgement, opinion, and personal perception.

One person’s point of view does not mean that it is the truth, that it’s valid, or accurate. This isn’t two way communication – ping pong…..it’s merely them trying to get you to align with their point of view.

The minute you hear the words “I think you should…..” your next words might be either “why?” Or “well, that’s an interesting point of view.”

Compassionate assertiveness is instead, about the question.

Why are we so sceptical about the question? Fearful?

What’s your biggest fear? Being labelled bossy?  Being labelled weak if you say no? Being thought of as dumb or incompetent if you ask a question? Seek clarity? Ask why someone is treating you in that way?

Is it about being judged? Being proved wrong?

All of that comes from a place of ego, bowing to societal pressure of what is ‘normal’ behaviour

Human beings are complex with unique challenges – and one of those challenges is communication. Here’s an easy way to determine how effective your communication is.

Do people always do what you want?

Do you always do what you want?

Does everything go according to plan?

Are your relationships – at home, at work, in love, with your children exceptional?

If your answer to any of these is NO, then I want you to consider who is at ‘fault’ here? Is it possible that it’s you? Did you invite it in? If so, then you accepted it. And, it won’t change unless you change it. So – How long is enough? How long can you put up with that? 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days, 3 months, 3 years, 30 years?

Straight assertiveness doesn’t work – for many reasons – it can alienate, get you a label you don’t (or do) deserve, and still at the end of all that may not get you what you want……or it does, and it’s often at the expense of someone else’s feelings!

Compassionate assertiveness sees straight through outdated stereotypes, and gives you simple to manage communication tools that once mastered alter every aspect of your life – home, work, relationships.

The basics of compassionate assertiveness in action:

  • Looking for the win-win, not the winner – competition versus collaboration and cooperation. Ask yourself. What is your motive in each human interaction? To learn, understand, undermine, control, impress?
  • Seeking first to understand, then be understood. Basic communication. Respect others time, energy, voice. No over talking. No drive-by communication. No opinions, ego. Take everything into account. Be objective. Be willing to just leave the question or statement ‘hanging’.
  • Learn to “see it, say it”© If not, you have invited it in and therefore accepted it.
  • Use “low and slow”© to aid conflict resolution. Anger, tone, sarcasm, passive aggressive behaviour, all come from a place of frustration, instant gratification, self-validation. Low and slow works.
  • Clear, concise, concrete communication – with no surprises.
  • Body confidence – using space wisely, tricking your body into feeling more confident


Ever thought about becoming a member and tapping into unique content on communication? It’s just $10 a month. Or buy the book Ping Pong for $10 and find out more. I offer these insights at reasonable investment to yourself as I want the compassionate assertive message to spread as quickly and as far as possible.

Let me know how it’s working for you. Cheers Steph

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